Were you Parentified?
The Eldest Latina Daughter; the Third Parent: Were you Parentified?
Written by: Therapist Arlene Ramirez.
If you’re the firstborn daughter in a Latinx family, did you ever feel like your main priority as the eldest was just to check in on everyone else? Maybe your parents unintentionally pulled you into their marital problems or family drama. Or maybe they placed you in a role where you were basically a "third parent" to your siblings and often received responses to your “why” questions, such as “porque eres la mas grande”. The truth is, it wasn’t yourpurpose to solve conflicts for your parents or raise your siblings.
Your purpose was to be a kid. Hi/Hola, my name is Arlene Ramirez, and as a Latina therapist (and an eldest daughter myself/someone who has walked this path with many clients), I’ve seen how these early roles shape who we become as adults and how they may impact our relationships. I wrote this to help you put a name to what you went through. These roles and experiences often lead to what is known as “parentification”. In many households, especially among Latinx families, this dynamic may be common. Parentification is a process in which a child or teen feels pressured to assume adult-level burdens that aren't age-appropriate (Dariotis et al., 2023) simply because they are seen as the oldest.
Eldest Daughter Traits. According to Gillis (2023), if you often felt parentified within your family, you may have also developed some of the following traits:
• Perfectionist
• Independence/Mature (as a child/teen)
• “The Fixer”
• Self-less
• The Irritable One – “La Enojona”
• The Caregiver.
Possible Mental Health Challenges as the Eldest Daughter. Research on parentification addresses how some of these traits/symptoms as the eldestparentified daughter, may contribute to mental health challenges as an adult (Buqué, 2024; Hooper et al., 2011):
• Depression/High-functioning Anxiety (Hooper et al., 2011).
• Low Self-Esteem• Burnout / Chronic stress (Buqué, 2023).
• Poor boundaries – difficulty saying “no” to others (Buqué, 2023).
The "Eldest Daughter" Reset. Are you relating to the eldest daughter's traits and challenges, and noticing a bit of frustration or an overwhelming feeling for yourself at this moment? In Break the Cycle, Dr. Mariel Buqué (2024) emphasizes intergenerational reparenting ways to heal your innerchild, especially those eldest daughters who grew up in a Latinx family background:
• Verbalizing affirmations that you may have wished you received from yourparents/caregivers (bonus: reciting affirmations out loud while looking at a picture ofyour younger self)
• Re-creating childhood memories and/or engaging in childhood activities that bringyou joy (e.g. coloring, cartoons, any other childhood hobbies)
• Self-hugs! Because maybe you needed more of them as a kid.
• Engaging in small self-care activities (e.g., drinking a warm cup of tea or chocomil, eating your favorite pastelito). My affirmation to you: “I was just a child then, and I can slowly let go of what I was not responsible for then. I am safe now. I am enough.” (Ramirez, n.d.)
Healing “The Fixer” in you: There are various ways to process and heal your role as the parentified daughter, and one of the most effective ways may be through a compassionate focus lens that includes:
• inner child work – let's heal that inner niña in you that grew up too fast, whodeserves to heal.
• attachment-based therapy – shifting your relationships from "managing" others totruly connecting with them.
• somatic and mindfulness-based practices – let’s release the physical tension of"carrying it all" through breath and body awareness.
As a Latina therapist myself, I am here to support you through your eldest daughter's experiences whenever you feel ready. Healing is just a step away – feel free to text or call me at [(916)-534-4501] for a free 15-minute phone consultation.
Sources:
Buqué, M. (2024). Reparenting the cycle breaker. In Break the cycle: A guide to healingIntergenerational trauma (pp. 145-172). Dutton.Dariotis, J.K., Chen, F.R., Park, Y.R., Nowak, M.K., French, K.M., & Codamon, A.M. (2023).Parentification Vulnerability, Reactivity, Resilience, and Thriving: A Mixed MethodsSystematic Literature Review. International journal of environmental research andpublic health, 20(13), 6197. https://doi.org/10.3390/ijerph20136197Gillis, K. (2023, November 2). 10 common traits of parentified daughters. PsychologyToday. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/invisible-bruises/202311/10-common-traits-of-parentified-daughtersHooper, L.M., DeCoster, J., White, N., & Doehler, K. (2011). Characterizing the magnitudeofThe relation between parentification and psychiatric symptoms: A meta-analsys.Journal of Clinical Psychology, 67(10), 1022-1043.Ramirez, A., (n.d.). Arlene Ramirez. PC Family Therapy. https://pcfamilytherapy.com/staff/new-therapist-coming-soon