Why Your 20’s Keep Breaking Your Heart (and why that might be the point)
Written by: Marianne Estorco Registered AMFT #159493 Supervised by: Dr. Hubbis Fabian, LMFT #135664
Have you ever found yourself thinking thoughts such as, “We keep having the same problems, just in different fonts,” or “Maybe I’m just too much, and my partner isn’t that into me.” Even better, “Every time we get closer, something in them changes or I change.” Then, what is it? might transition to you recognizing that you might not like the person who you’ve become in the relationship, and who you envisioned you’d be, or what your relationship might have been, is now a distant memory. It’s frustrating, I know, but your 20’s can be an eye-opener for romantic relationships.
Unfortunately, many young adults who have recently entered the dating scene or have been in a long-term relationship have experienced these thoughts before. You meet someone and see a clear future with them, but then feelings of doom might creep up, or you might keep experiencing the same problems over and over again. Problems might look like arguing about household chores, or having the same conversation about differing communication styles every day. It can be very exhausting and frustrating! Fortunately, you are not alone, and there’s hope that things don’t have to be this way forever. You might have heard about attachment, as there has been a recent boom on social media sites about what it means to be avoidant or anxiously attached in relationships. Your experiences in your 20’s (or earlier) can shine a light on your attachment style, and as you go further with relationships and dating, you’re confronted with how it affects you in keeping a relationship and how well that relationship can thrive. Let’s go over what attachment is and how it might be affecting your relationship.
What is Attachment Theory?
John Bowlby, a psychologist who pioneered attachment theory, observed the way that infants become emotionally attached to their primary caregivers and how they experience distress when they are separated from them (Simpson, 1990). As research in this field has expanded, studies have suggested associations between a child’s caregiving environment and the child's attachment style in adulthood. Attachment also plays an important role in interpersonal dynamics, as shown in people’s ability to interpret and perceive the behaviors of others, their ability to emotionally regulate, and how they experience closeness in relationships (Fraley and Roisman, 2019). These findings are then consistent with the idea that children develop and learn patterns for interpreting and responding to social interactions, which can persist and shape relational behaviors in adulthood (i.e., how you respond in a relationship context).
Building upon Bowlby’s observations, Mary Ainsworth and her colleagues identified 3 primary attachment styles that reflect the behaviors one might express in instances of separation (Simpson, 2019):
Secure attachment: ability to seek comfort from a “secure base.”
Anxious/ambivalent: protest and anger
Avoidant: avoidance and detachment
What this can look like in relationships:
Securely attached: Ease with getting close to others and comfortability in depending on others.
Anxious/ambivalent: Deep-rooted fears of abandonment and constant need for closeness.
Avoidant: Fears of having someone get too close…or thoughts like “once they truly know me, they might leave.”
Your 20’s where attachment becomes impossible to ignore:
If childhood is where attachment patterns form their origins, your 20s are where they become tangible, impossible even, to not notice as it becomes applied to your real-world relationships. Rauer and colleagues (2013) suggest that in adolescence, people tend to form short-term, shallow romantic connections that then develop into long-term committed relationships. In many young adults, they found that having a long-term partner is an important goal- one that is even considered a marker for adult status (Rauer et al., 2013). In the same study, they found that supportive parenting and positive peer relations were correlated with stable relationships in adulthood, whereas negative experiences in early relationships were correlated with unstable romantic patterns later in adulthood. Another study by Carmichael and colleagues (2016) explored how relationship needs and wants varied over time, and generally, as people get older, they tend to want stability. Meaningful relationships become beneficial in other facets of life, and partnerships that support you in a multitude of ways can shape long-term well-being.
What does it mean for you right now?
If your relationship is not working out, it can be easy to view it as a failure. Your 20’s might be the first time attachment patterns come into contact with romantic relationships. One is never an expert to begin with.
As people change over time, so do relationship needs and goals. That also means thinking about what is and isn’t working for you to fulfill those goals. Now, this goes into the question of whether attachment styles change. And the answer is yes- but with a few caveats. Attachment is not fixed, but not instantly malleable either. Attachment can shift under the right conditions and can change when consistently challenged.
Patterns you might encounter in your relationships:
Heightened emotional responses to abandonment
If intimacy is safe (and how you react to it)
If closeness feels overwhelming or not enough
If you feel okay sharing vulnerable feelings with your partner. What really helps: Awareness is key! (Estorco, 2026)
Noticing repeating dynamics or behaviors
Building emotional regulation and tolerance to distress
Parts work- Understanding the polarized parts of you that are causing internal conflict
Communication strategies that pull people in, instead of pushing people away.
Repetition and practice!
20s can be filled with heartbreak, but at the same time offer groundbreaking insight into who you are as a person and help you orient yourself toward your life goals. Questions can then shift from “every time we get closer, something in them changes or I change,” to “what does this say about me and what would it take to do things differently?” If you’re starting to notice these patterns and are confronted with conflict, you don’t have to do it alone. I am passionate about individuals struggling with intimacy and couples who want to do things differently in their relationships. If you’d like to explore these topics further, I can be reached at 707-646-9185 or mariannepcft@gmail.com.
References
Carmichael, C. L., Reis, H. T., & Duberstein, P. R. (2015). In your 20s it's quantity, in your 30s it's quality: The prognostic value of social activity across 30 years of adulthood. Psychology of Aging, 1, 95-105. doi:10.1037/pag0000014.
Fraley, R. C., & Roisman, G. I. (2019). The development of adult attachment styles: Four lessons. Current Opinion in Psychology, 25, 26–30. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.copsyc.2018.02.008
Rauer, A. J., Pettit, G. S., Lansford, J. E., Bates, J. E., & Dodge, K. A. (2013). Romantic relationship patterns in young adulthood and their developmental antecedents. Developmental Psychology, 49(11), 2159-71. doi: 10.1037/a0031845
Simpson, J. A. (1990). Influence of attachment styles on romantic relationships. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 59(5), 971–980. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.59.5.971